Toxic Storytelling: When Reality Breaks

 

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Before I graduated from university, I had a variety of different jobs. I worked as a receptionist at a doctor's office. I worked as a drone at an insurance company where I sat at a desk and put people's personal information into their files. I did a stint at Kinko's, and I did summer touring theatre.

I worked at the insurance company between my Freshman and Sophomore years at Northwestern.

While I was there, I met a very nice young lady who was the closest person to my age. Let us call her Anne.

Anne was married to a man who beat the hell out of her.

This was the second person I'd heard of who was being beaten by her husband. My mom worked with this woman, let us call her Tammy, who was also being beaten, but I didn't know that young woman.

I'd asked my mother about why Tammy would stay with a man who hit her, and she did not have a good answer. She said Tammy always made excuses about it.

I believed that if I ever met someone who was being beaten, I could help them by explaining they shouldn't put up with it.

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Anne befriended me right away when I joined what was essentially a small office that was contracted out to do the grunt work of data input. (I think they send most of that kind of work to India these days) Anyway, the first day I was there she asked if I wanted to have lunch with her.

By the second day, she had a huge bruise on her arm. I asked her about it and she gave me some excuse. By the second week, I realized she couldn't hurt herself that much unless she lived in a house that was completely dark and the furniture was sentient and kept rearranging itself.

I spent a summer trying to understand how a woman stays with a man who is beating the hell out of her. Why? You know he's going to do it. You know there is nothing you can do to stop him. You know it's wrong.  He knows it's wrong. Why?

The answer was pretty straight up even though it was frustrating. It always had to do with stories.

What stories do you have to tell yourself to allow the beatings?

It was my fault.

He loves me.

He didn't mean for it to go so far.

He would never really hurt me.

I can't leave him.

I need him.

I was lucky to get someone like him.

He takes care of me.

Nobody else will ever love me.

He'll stop eventually.

If I get pregnant things will get better.

Toxic storytelling. 

You tell yourself whatever stories you need to tell yourself so that you don't have to face an uncomfortable or difficult reality. Once you internalize a toxic story, every incident must fit into that toxic soup in some kind of way for you to be okay. 

The longer you live in that skewed story, the harder it is to face that you might be wrong, or out of touch, or even the instrument of your own destruction.

At the time, in my nineteen-year-old innocence, I stood agape at such stupidity and reckless disregard for personal safety.

That was a long time ago.

I now understand it is not stupidity. It could be desperation, fear, or a vain attempt to control what is out of your control. 

Toxic Stories are often an attempt to make the world conform to what MUST be true if your situation is as it is. 

Toxic Stories are a stand-in for real answers. How can I feel this bad, angry, scared, or hurt UNLESS this is true?

I have since come to understand that Toxic Storytelling is at the root of a great many problems.

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Conspiracy theories are the fruit of Toxic Storytelling. 

When large groups of people gather and pool their Toxic Stories - the problem amplifies.

Their stories are antithetical to reality. They are aware of that, but:

If it weren't true, so many people wouldn't believe it. 

In fact, it is true! 

Everyone who doesn't believe it is just wrong. 

In fact, everyone knows it is true, and they are just evil, lying, or stupid if they don't admit it!

Some of the people telling the stories know they are not true. They are just telling the stories to manipulate others for their own gain. Unfortunately, sometimes the manipulators start believing their own stories...that's when things really get out of hand.

The remains of the library

I am an unapologetic bibliophile. I am still saddened and upset about the sacking and burning of the Library of Alexandria by a hateful mob.

Yesterday, in my own country, I watched years of Toxic Storytelling collide with reality.

The Toxic Story that exploded yesterday:

Their leader appeared before them and told them that they had every right to be angry at the corrupt carnival of communists and evildoers that were about to destroy our beloved country. He told them that he wanted them to stand against the crime that was happening down the street from where they gathered. He extolled them to go down the street and make sure that justice was done!

What wrong were they trying to make right? What crime were they trying to stop?

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The Liberal, Democrat, Socialist, Communist, Fascist, Evildoers in cahoots with George Soros, Dominion Voting Machines, China, and Iran have stolen our country by cheating in our last election! Brave Republicans are the only ones standing against this obvious crime! 

We must stop them from stealing this election!

We must stop them from counting these fraudulent votes!

We must force the horrible, weak, foolish, corrupt government to do the right thing and send the tabulations back to the states so that they can change the tabulations and make the person who actually won the fraudulent election the actual president as opposed to the person who the Liberal, Democrat, Socialist, Communist, Fascist, Evildoers in cahoots with George Soros, Dominion Voting Machines, China, and Iran say won the election! 

When they got to the capitol building, the symbol of everything that was wrong in their very Toxic Story, they were overcome with their righteous anger!

They were not considering how to solve a problem. How on earth do you begin to solve a problem as big as: The Liberal, Democrat, Socialist, Communist, Fascist, Evildoers in cahoots with George Soros, Dominion Voting Machines, China, and Iran -

Where do you even begin? What do you do about that? What is step one?

They didn't have anything but anger and a Toxic Story. 

It was the underpants gnomes kind of coup.

1. Mob the capitol

2. ?

3. Tr*mp is president forever!

Toxic Storytelling never creates anything productive or useful. Reality just won't let it.

Those people believed that somehow if they stopped the certification they could Constitutionally force states to resubmit their totals.

They are patriots!

They love America!

They have absolutely no idea how the government works and what rules it has to follow. 

That wasn't entirely their fault. Their leader doesn't know either. Still, he's the POTUS, so why would they doubt him?

Within hours the capitol was cleared, the Senate and House were back in session, and the electoral votes were certified.

Within hours, the new Toxic story began.

IT WAS A FALSE FLAG OPERATION BY ANTIFA!!!! OUR PEOPLE ARE PATRIOTS!!! THEY WOULD NEVER DO SUCH A THING! FAKE NEWS! FAKE NEWS!

I'm just glad there weren't many black folks there or I'm pretty sure they would have accused BLM of doing this. Well, it's early days.

Toxic Storytelling has always been part of humanity. There is nothing we can do to stop it. We can only counter it.

When the people in charge make no effort to challenge it, or worse yet, use it for their own ends, we get a mob at the capitol.

We have a great many Toxic Stories to unravel if we are going to go forward together in America.

I am happy to do my part:

Covid-19 is a real thing. It is very contagious and it can disable and kill people.

I never feel like it matters much that I keep saying that because the Toxic Stories about Covid-19 are pervasive, but I will keep at it.

Reality is rarely sexy. It is often scary. It is never easy.

Telling stories anchored in reality is the only way to face Toxic Storytelling, but it is a difficult lift. 

Toxic Stories are always much easier to deal with. You are never responsible for anything in your Toxic Stories unless your behavior makes you feel better.

That doesn't mean we throw up our hands and give up. It also doesn't mean we assume the people in the Toxic landscape will see the error of their ways. 

They might not be able to.

Toxic stories go deep. If they are then reinforced and exacerbated...you burn down the Great Library of Alexandria again, and again, and again...

Let's work to tell stories that help us face reality even when it's hard.

Today is a new day. Another chance to face reality.

My son took this pic when he visited Africa

Happy Detoxing -